What Not To Wear: Gym Edition
A woman in step class was wearing a black lace bra. Not underneath anything, as bras are generally meant to be worn. Not even on top of something, Madonna-style (is it just me or is she coming up an awful lot on here lately??) which quite truthfully would have been preferable. Nope, it was black bike shorts, a large expanse of untoned pasty flesh and then black lace, delicate straps and underwire. In the gym.
I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt
It was as if she had rushed to the gym, forgetting she wasn't wearing a top. Except that the aerobics room is flanked with mirrors so it's not like it was something she could miss. Or perhaps she was on her way somewhere else and saw the gym and thought "I really ought to take a step class today. Drat, forgot my clothes! Oh well, I'll just strip down to my skivvies and no one will be the wiser." I really wanted to ask her what the deal was. Or offer her pasties. But that would have been rude. So instead I'm blogging about it to an Internet full of strangers. Because that's not rude.
I'm Too Sexy For My Pants
All of this reminded me of another tragic episode of Gym Fashion that I witnessed several months ago: an older fellow in a red polo shirt, black knee socks, dress shoes and... tighty whities. Riding the recumbent bike. He definitely wasn't demented as he was carrying on a very loud conversation with the woman next to him who, to her credit, seemed completely unaffected. He was also speaking with a thick accent that made me wonder if perhaps he was from one of those countries where everyone strips down to go hang out at the bath house together and it's all very social and non-sexual and what's wrong with you American prudes anyhow.
And yet. Tighty whities. At least go with boxer shorts next time.
Proper Gym Attire
I'm not one of those people that dresses up to go to the gym. No makeup, bedhead and a cotton tank top with pants (if it's winter, like it is here nine months out of the year) or shorts (if I'm on vacation somewhere warm or if I'm running outside and need to use my white legs in lieu of reflective gear). You remember this:
So it's not like I expect other people to be Gym Tyme Barbie or anything. But really there are a few rules one should follow.
Charlotte's Rules For Dressing Yourself (because your mother just can't drive that far every day so stop asking already)
1. No visible underwear. I realize that some women wear just a sports bra as a top but in my book those are closer to a tank top in coverage than to an actual brassiere (hee - whens the last time you said that word?). This includes thong straps. I heart that you heart thongs but I don't need to see the actual heart on the back triangle.
2. Some people might read the previous rule and think they should wear no underwear to the gym. This would be false. Please wear appropriate underwear. I will never forget the day when I witnessed a grandpa in old-skool shorty shorts lift up his leg to stretch. I learned things no middle schooler should ever have to know unless they want to go into nursing or professional waxing when they grow up. And women? The wrong pants + no undies = camel toe. Just do a mirror check, is all I'm saying.
3. No clothing with inappropriate words or words in inappropriate places like, say, your butt crack. I know, I know, freedom of speech and all that. But if I crash into a wall because I'm concentrating so hard on reading the 10 lines of text on your shirt (that's backwards because I'm staring at you in the mirror) that explain your world view on how they should open baby seal clubbing to everyone and not just those lucky park rangers, then I'm totally blaming you.
4. Wear shoes you can actually work out in. This means no flip-flops, stilettos, cowboy boots, slippers, or construction boots. Moon boots? If you have the chutzpah to pull those off then you have my permission to work it, girl.
4. No hammer pants, men.
5. Lastly, no excess bling. Unless you're Mr. T. Or can at least rock a mohawk like him. This includes ladies.
You Wouldn't Think We'd Have To Say This Stuff
And yet... lace bra. Tighty whities. Shirtless man wearing a heart rate monitor that I swore was a bandeau bikini top for about 5 laps until he turned around. Some people need our help.
What's the most egregious Gym Fashion sin you've ever seen? And what's your standard gym uniform? Got a pet peeve? I gotta know these things!
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Charlotte Hilton Andersen
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43 comments:
Great post! Keep it up!
There's really nothing I can say that can compare to that first picture... that really takes the cake.
With that said, I'm a (long-ish) shorts and t-shirt kind of guy.
We have at least one guy in my gym who wears those really short spandex shorts that show off his ginormous legs.
Other than that, my gym is pretty tame. Lots of people not really working out, chicks with clothes that are age- or size-inappropriate, and the occasional guy with lots of weight and really bad form (and his cousin, the chick that refuses to lift anything heavier than 5 pounds during any exercise).
(waitforit)
consistent reallyreally bad (read: noticable, Sisiterfriend, I wasnt looking!) camel toe.
yeah, I said it.
me? I wear nike trail running shorts and an old tee.
if Im working out.
if Im working.
if Im mommying.
if Im dressed to seduce.
oh and the fact you used this word:
chutzpah
love.
off to greet the day.
dang. cant edit. yes my brain is ahead of my fingers and that is Sisterfriend.
and.
MustNeedSomeCaffeine.
M.
Yet another reason why I don't belong to a gym! And just use the free one in my apt complex.
Although one time, at 5:30 AM, I came in, turned on the lights, and saw a guy doing curls in the corner fully dressed for work at his construction job. Timberlands, flannel shirt and all. Working out in the dark. I turned around and left, and fortunately, I have never seen him again.
Very funny!!
If you were the fashion police at my Fitness Center, you would be writing a lot of tickets!
They have a large mirror inside for people to look at as they leave. Maybe they need to move it outside the entrance :-)
Dr. J
Oh, this is easy. I work out at a more upscale gym which is thankfully populated by mostly older people so there's no meatmarket mentality. As such, I feel totally comfortable wearing a sportsbra and shorts and don't feel completely ogled (I sweat. A lot. So I can't be wearing tees and stuff. Yuck). One day there was a woman on the elliptical wearing the following ensemble:
Black lacy sportsbra barely encased ginormously enhanced breasts.
Tight black leggings slung very low on the hips.
Black thong quite purporsefully peeking out from the pants. Total whale tail.
Then, after a few minutes of exertion, she stopped cycling her legs and very dramatically bent over, back straight, butt in the air, and proceeded to - I'm not kidding - unzip her pants from the ankles all the way up to the upper-thigh. (Apparently she was wearing zip-up leggings, which I've never heard of.) Then she began ellipticizing again, pants flapping in the wind. It was bizarre, insane and EVERYONE was laughing/whispering/gawking.
Here is one from a recent episode at my gym: BAREFOOT man in the weight room. When kindly asked to obey rules regarding appropriate attire, safety, and sanitation, he threatened me with a dumbbell. (This followed a week of him sleeping in various parts of the gym and asking fellow members to "turn down the lights" so he could rest; throwing weights at the racks; and walking in slow, methodical (barefoot) circles in the Spinning room and refusing to leave). He is no longer allowed on the premises.
Oh, and no weight gloves if you only lift 5-pound Barbie weights. That's just silly!
Let's see... there was an older European gentleman wearing an 80's muscle shirt, white athletic socks, short-shorts, and, well, lots o' body hair.
Or the woman on the Stairmaster, all 5'1" of her, nearly toppling over from her VERY LARGE, fake bosoms encased in an ill-fitting bra.
What I don't understand is how people CAN work out wearing things like that. I'm super flat but I need my sports bra to run in and all. How do people wear lacy stuff and then sweat a bunch? And why would you want to get your nice stuff all smelly and sweaty? Give me a pair of old shirts and a wide-strapped tank top any day!
Shorts, T-Shirt (maybe a tank). Period.
I hate the jog bra as top look. So many people break the "rules." And women need to learn that tights with long T-shirts to cover the bum is not a flattering look.
Barefoot guy = best gym story ever.
Running shorts or sweat-pants/capris and a sports-bra covered by a tank or t-shirt... I, too sweat a whole lot but I'll only do the sports-bra-as-a-top thing if I am running outside in my neighborhood because I run by so fast that folks don't have to suffer for too long... :-)
I loved the rules and wish I could print them and hang them in the locker rooms at my gym...
Hilarious! Shouldn't hammer pants be capitalized (Hammer Pants) to illustrate their dubious distinction?
the strangest discovery, albeit not in a gym, occurred one late night at the office. I went into a conference room to discover a security guard stripped to his porous skivvies and enthusiastically practicing tai chi.
Oh my- how true!!! There are a few people at my gym that need to read this.......
My one friend always says 'you should need a license to wear spandex' after a few scary sightings when we were out running & at the gym!
Oh my you had me cracking up so! I get really distracted with the big lettering on the butt crack.
Along with dressing my other big beef is "No perfume or cologne." please!
hilarious post! I also have to second the no cologne/perfume and add on to please WEAR DEODORANT!! I've been trapped in the spin room with some very rank smelling people. Awful.
as for outfits--back in the glorious day of step aerobics there was one woman who only wore a bra (not a sport bra mind you, just a bra) with shorts. The bra was torn in the back so it was just hanging on by a few threads. I could not help but stare the entire time b/c I was waiting for it snap and show off her goods at any second. Class always went by fast and I only fell a few times. :)
people never cease to amaze me with their bizarro outfits!
I'm all for wearing just a sports bra to work out in but I really don't think you should if you're packing a few extra pounds! It aint pretty. That sounds terrible because at least they're at the gym working but it just doesn't look right!
There are several women at my gym who need to double bra or get one that supports properly. Being a well endowed person myself I can say that a Champion sports bra from Target isn't going to cut it in any type of moderate to high impact activity! I get sore just watching some of these women. They must go home and ice their chests because that has to be painful!
Not really the worst fashion crime of all, but it theres this woman with obiciously implanted headlights (because shes scary lean all over with a DD breasts) who feels its ok to where a open neck sports bra. Now i am all for flaunting, but this is too much cleavage. she always goes to my sunday spin class and once i was next to her and it made me feel a little warm inside when i notice she barely put the resistance on! i felt so strong and she's so buff I was sure she was "pushing" it a lot harder than me. Anyways, keep save the cleavage for speeding tickets.
I haven't noticed the barely dressed members of the Y, but years ago when I was at another gym there was the lady who would wear just the sports bra and tight shorts and workout facing the back mirror and just admire herself as she did her step class.
Have any of you seen those women/men at your gym?
Candice
I don't get why the biggest women in the gym are the ones who love lycra bike shorts the most.
In contrast, the other day a very slim, attractive girl was wearing shorts that exposed the bottom half of her buttocks. Of course they didn't really stay put in the group fitness class and she spent half the time pulling them out of where they slipped up to. eeww!
i have to agree with stephanie and say my biggest pet peeve is perfume or cologne. there is nothing worse than breathing heavily while you're working out and having to taste someone else's perfume. i'd rather have to stare at the old man in the tighty whities than eat someone's cologne!
In my culinary school we have a strict uniform dresscode, and part of it is no cologne! its enough having garlic and burnt butter seep into your nostrils, but a chef with a a whif of "eternity" or worse, a rip off of it, man i feel like hurling! NO cologne in the gym or the kitchen!!!!
Hilarious!
Since the gym I've recently been frequenting is for the 60-plus crowd, I haven't seen much in the risque department.
In fact, everyone wears so many freakin' clothes in an already too-warm gym that I'm amazed they don't expire of heat stroke. Even the ones who are running on the treadmill do so in heavy sweatsuits over long sleeved shirts.
I'm probably breaking all kinds of unwritten rules by working out in shorts and a tank top.
There's a woman at one gym I go to who wears old lycra shorts, which I'm sure she got in the 80s and are starting to show their wear...
right in the crotch area.
How do I know this, you ask?
You can't help but notice when she bends over IN FRONT OF YOU and shows off her goodies (as she's one of your no gitch girlies and I can see it all through the holes.
It takes all of my strength NOT to drop weights on my feet, I swear.
Wonder why the biggest girl wears the lycra pants? No Chub Rub. They stay put without riding up like running shorts and no leaving nasty burning red spots. Then because you are so big, you use the long shirt to cover the tummy and butt.
ps... been reading yours and mizfit and cranky and leslies' blogs for a while now and luv what you ladies have to say!
-moonshine
There was this dude at my old gym who had a finely waxed mustache which extended a foot from either side of his face. I actually had to change the course of my running so as not to run into it.
Oh, I have another to add: Perfume. Old ladies will wear this while walking around the track, presumably to hide the smell of their incontinence. But it makes my lungs start to panic, and that is not conducive to running.
Great post. It's amazing what people are wearing these days............:)
I don't do a gym, but when I walk, I try to be dressed for the weather and comfort more than anything else. One item I'm adding to my routine is camera. I really want to start taking pictures of what I see while walking.
PS To be seen in a future blog post.
And it's not just the members - there's a spin instructor at my gym who wears old t-shirts which he's torn off to about nipple level, then torn up to the armpit on the sides so there's just a thread holding it together. To show off his abs, I suppose. He wears shorts, and tops it off with bright orange sneakers and ties paper towels around his ankles. I'm sure there must be a reason for the paper towels, but I haven't figured it out.
So, how did she do all the crazy exercise moves in her underwore bra without it slipping and exposing? In my experience there are certain movements you just can't make in an underwire without having to readjust the ladies every now and then.
I once saw a very very old guy in his boxers, socks, and sneakers, and that was it.
My husband once told me that he saw a girl wearing pants with a star right on the crack of her pants. He asked, "What does that mean? Is it a target or something?" (loved your article on that subject)
I don't frequent the sauna at our gym, but have heard tales of the skinny, wrinkly,dangly,tufted
man who does his YOGA in the men's sauna. My husband has learned to live with "tree" and "warrior", but has to leave if "plow" or "bow" or "happy baby" are on the agenda.
Seriously... I just peed my pants. This post was HILARIOUS!
Thanks Moonshine for speaking up for us lycra short & big shirt folks.
My worst (well, I didn't actually see it -- a friend (very fit friend) told me): he would workout in the sauna (did I mention that he sweated profusly without the sauna) and was always surprised when chastized for splattering other patrons with his sweat. I just was always thankful that I didn't witness it myself!
Great! camel toe, one more thing to worry about!
Dancers are notorious for holey tights. I don't know when that became chic. And I don't know who thought just putting on a pair of shorts over top would cover it up during things like full plie in fifth, or arabesque.
*shudders*
On an unrelated note, Charlotte, is that you doing scorpion pose??
Because if so, Jeebus, girl. You go.
Littlem - welcome, welcome!! Love your wit & style - I hope you'll be a regular:) And yeah, that's me doing scorpion. Flexibility is my only god-given athletic skill, everything else i just have to fake!
Actually, I see nothing wrong w/hammer pants! Plenty of room to move... and LIKE YOU SAID, it's a gym, NOT a fashion show.
Further, to hell with the natural look. Bring on the BARBIES! The real problem with women in the gym is that the take the SLOPPY look that you push way too far! And if that isn't enough, the gym has been invaded by UFOs... read that as UglyFatOld. Please ladies, I can't work out with my eyes closed. Stay home with a half-gallon of Ben&Jerry's... or lose TEN or SEVENTY pounds before you invade a sacred shrine like a gym. Enough already! Lose some weight! It's bad enough that the "Chow Hounds" are invading the family restaurants like HOOTERS all over... they're going to have to change their name to UTTERS!
Anon - I believe you mean "udders", as in cows, right? Come on, if you are going to be inflammatory at least be grammatically inflammatory;) Plus, you know none of us can take you seriously until you put up a pic of your chiseled abs & rock-hard pecs, lol!
I've never actually commented here before (but love your blog). For this post I'd thought I'd make an exception. I didn't actually witness this but people talked about this for days at my Fancy Shmancy (read: full of fake nails and fake breasts)gym. Sidenote: I am not fancy shmancy myself, it's just a really convenient gym. Ok so anyway I guess some woman wore a thong bikini with a really tiny triangle top to a water aerobics class. And then they were doing some sychronized swimming sort of exercises and her bare butt just kept popping up into the air. The next day new signs appeared about "proper attire" in the pool.
Oh and I wanted to add to my comment above, there are actually some women at my gym that still wear the 80s thong leotards over leggings.
When fat, it's hard enough to find something that fits, is functional and attractive.
It seems that most workout clothing size 20 and up is hot pink, fuzzy and covered with bling. These clothes seem to be aimed towards the fat girl that is trying to look like she works out, but actually sits on her butt while stuffing in the Dunkin' Donuts 24/7.
If anyone sees an overweight person that managed to find workout clothes that fit AND made it to the gym to work out, DO NOT BE JUDGEMENTAL!!!! Especially if they are in biker shorts. It takes a lot of guts just to get out the damn door! geez.
Seriously, one would think that there would be more workout clothing and gear aimed towards the overweight population.
Luckily I've dropped from a size 30 to a 22 and can now squeeze my fat butt into yoga pants the longer gym pants that fit better and are easier to move in. I feel self conscious when people stare at my stomach and thighs. It's annoying and I wish they would stop.
Excellent point Gwendolyn! Saying only skinny people can go to gyms is like saying only healthy people should go to hospitals. Seriously, you would LOVE my YMCA. People of all shapes & sizes and the only thing that gets you stared at besides completely insane wardrobe choices, is how much iron you can lift:) I'm proud of you girl for sticking it out & teaching people that being healthy has nothing to do with being skinny. I bet you rock those yoga pants.
You are hilarious! So glad I found your blog -- I have a lot of catching up to do!
OMG!!! We have this girl at my gym who I call the exercise stripper. She gets on the treadmill in full pants, sweat shirt, tee shirt, shorts and sports bra. At different intervals she will strip off a piece of clothing and continue on with her exercise. By the end of an hour she is down to the sports bra and barely there spandex shorts....my husband loves this routine and he why not...she is way cute, but really is all that necessary.
As for me, I am pretty fit, so I wear a bra covered by a sports bra, covered by a tank top, and yoga pants. "Keep the girls supported so they don't sag to the knees" is my motto.
Let me see...theres a woman at my gym who looks like an extra from Eric Prydes 'Call on Me'. But much, much older and a bit weathered looking. She wears black spandex/lycra leggings with really bright patterned 80's style thong and matching bright patterened spandex crop top...this is bad enough but teamed with a slightly bulky/muscley frame and hair in two very long blonde plaits at either side of her head too and all that over the age of 40yrs is a bit dodgy!
Everyone else is just in normal gym stuff.
Myself I just wear good trainers with the proper supportive trainer socks, pineapple capri leggings or tracksuit bottoms...black of course with a hint of a colour in the stripe down the leg and some kind of t-shirt which isnt slobby looking but has some kind of cred to it and a decent sports bra/crop top...cos no girl of an EE cup should be without one. But yes, I did commit those crimes when I first joined of the lacey bra and the oversized t-shirt....namely cos I couldnt find a decent and yet nice sports bra in my huge size of the time or a decent top other than a huge t-shirt. As I slimmed down the kit improved, along with the trainers and the confidence! But there really is no excuse for spandex thongs and leotards these days...even if youre some wannabe singer/dancer or something. Thats my view anyway! Yuck...and why???
Now....where can a girl find a damn top which has sleeves which cover horrible upper arms without being full length and too hot to work out in???? I hate those cap sleeves :(
This post is hilarious! But it does go to show you that some people don't check the mirror (or themselves... snicker) when they are at the gym.
Nice post it's very interesting and entertaining :)
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